Avoid the dangers of blending

Photo by Photos by Lanty 

Don’t lose yourself in the crowd

Today I’m addressing a heavy topic, and I’m hoping that by sharing these words some of you will find some extra strength to pull yourself out of tough situations.

Here’s the question I want to ask you: Have you ever considered what it costs you when you choose to blend?

We all do it. There are times in life when fitting in with a certain crowd or being accepted by that special someone means we’ll do almost anything to blend in, and we don’t always see the cost.

During a recent conversation with a couple of girlfriends, one of them brought up how the girls at her daughter’s school always dress like each other. They wear the exact same shirt the exact same clothes. I remember that happening when I was younger. Certain brands would come up, and everyone would wear the same thing in different colors.

Wearing similar clothing is an obvious way to try to blend in, but subtle to our spirit. Even on small levels like this, blending means we’re choosing something just to fit in with a crowd and not because it actually means something to us or brings us joy.

On a deeper level, choosing to blend in may mean we pretend we don’t feel things. We stuff our feelings down and prevent things from moving through. This is where blending gets really dangerous. Sometimes, when we blend or stuff our feelings down, we give up too much of ourselves. We can literally lose ourselves in the crowd around us.

I know this because it happened to me.

What losing yourself feels like

In the past few years I went through a particular situation that was at the time almost paralyzing. I remember day after day of weeping and sadness and fear and paranoia. This event was gripping and terrifying. In every way it changed everything about the person I knew myself to be.

My natural state is to be someone who’s overall pretty shiny and happy. I’ll talk to trees, dogs, and anyone, but after this terrifying situation, I started stuffing my feelings of sadness and anger in order to survive.

 Over time I became more and more constricted, painfully constricted, to the point that even when I wanted to access my vitality and my vibrant being and my joy or my imagination, I couldn’t. I couldn’t reach this part of myself.

I focused on being a strong woman and not making waves around me, but I became like a shell of myself. It finally got to a point that it was brutally miserable, brutally painful. Yes, I acted like I wasn’t affected. I was a warrior. I told myself I was going to do this and I got through difficult situations, but a year later I found myself to be all strength, very rigid with no beauty, no softness, and no lightness.

I wanted my old self back.

The journey back to the real Adora

As a woman, beauty and femininity is so important to my soul. I love touching gorgeous fabrics. I love laughter and joy.

The first time I worked with a coach, I had this imagining of rowing in the middle of a lake. A burst of joy bubbled up, and immediately I was in tears because I hadn’t felt the emotion of joy in my body for so long, I didn’t even remember what that might feel like.

I started to do some work on facing some of the hard fears and the hard emotions that came up. As I faced those emotions and allowed myself to be angry and enraged and pissed off, I found I was afraid of the emotions. I felt like they were going to sink me into a swamp.

It was terrible. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t recognize myself. Even when I wanted to soften, even when I wanted to be sensitive, what came up was this automatic, rigid, defensive, angry, bitter, jaded bitchy version of me. I’m all about owning all of the self, but I lost control over my life and my emotions.

Coming back from that rigid, fearful self was awful. It was hard, but I decided that I was going to allow myself some joy. I purposely leaned into pleasure and purposely leaned into beauty and color and fabrics and flowers and massages and friendships.

It took a little bit for me to bring down my walls again. I remember one night when I was falling asleep, I began seeing these beautiful geometric shapes that I used to see during the transitional period right before sleep. I saw lace-like patterns in purples and pinks, and I realized I hadn’t even been seeing beauty in my mind’s eye.

I’d forgotten what beauty was like because when you’re freaking out, when you’re flipping out and angry even when you don’t want to be, your filters can’t let the beauty in.

Now that you know, can you understand the cost?

Whether it’s blending with the people around you so they won’t judge you or stuffing feelings down because they might disagree with you, consider how much you’re paying. What parts of yourself are you sacrificing? For me, the cost of blending or stuffing my emotions is my soul.

That’s too high a price to pay. No more, no way, will I mold myself so that someone else will like me. No way will I shut myself down again. But it this thing that keeps us trapped—that little molding of ourselves to fit in or not cause problems for others.  

I’m not saying that you should show up in your bathing suit at work, but I’m saying that the little tiny ways that we filter and shape ourselves because we’re afraid of who will or won’t love us can destroy us.

For me, even the subtle places of filtering myself or shutting myself down, making myself small or speaking down to myself are dangerous. Over time, actions and thoughts like that can cost me my soul. It can cost me the essence of who I am, and I’ve been close enough to that to know that it is a hard thing to climb out of.

It’s okay. You can climb out of it, and there are lots of ways and tools to help you do it. This experience taught me that only by standing in my truth, by standing in my radiance, by claiming my power, by claiming the opportunity to take up space and be who I am, could I find peace and the ability to help other people.

I learned that self-acceptance comes when you speak your truth. It can be scary, yes. It can be risky, challenging, and terrifying—but it’s so much better than losing your own soul.

So if this is where you’re at, if you’re in the dark, if you’re afraid of the person you are because you’ve been blending and stuffing your emotions, hang in there. We’ll be talking soon about specific ways you that you can begin to find yourself again.

Meanwhile, take a moment to sign up for 30 Days to More Orgasmic Living. This free online course begins on June 3. Use this opportunity to connect with women who support each other, who celebrate each other’s individuality and who love to share joy and light with the world.

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